by Julie Bergher

Did you ever see someone across a crowded room, or on a freeway, at a grocery store, or in a theater, and you just knew you could have a wonderful relationship with this person?  When you picture yourself getting married (again), does your new spouse have a certain color hair, or eyes?  Is s/he a particular height or weight?  Is there an age you imagine your future partner to be?
One of my problems with dating has been that I’ve always imagined that the “type” I see waiting for me at the end of the aisle is the “type” I’m immediately attracted to.  I know this seems normal, but what happens, nine times out of nine (you read that correctly) is that Mr. MFM (Made For Me) really isn’t.
Somewhere between my high school crushes on Tom Selleck, Rock Hudson, Cary Grant and Pierce Brosnan, and the ending of some very significant relationships in my life, I realized that looks and characteristics aren’t the same thing.  Here’s my story.
I was very, very attracted to someone I had seen at social events for the last couple of years.  We were friendly enough and began emailing each other frequently, more so when he wasn’t involved with anyone.  I enjoyed the banter, and his wit and sensitivity.
Just a couple of weeks ago his latest relationship ended, and he called me.  He came over for a face-to-face visit, something we rarely have.  Even at my age, I keep on learning.  My latest lesson is the same as the first: I know nothing.  When you email someone, they almost always have to read your email before responding – hence, the illusion of compassionate understanding and the ability to listen.  The reality is that some people out there really love the sound of their own voices and, in person your vain attempts to get a word in edgewise are quashed at every turn.  I was told to “wait ‘til I’m finished with my story” as if I was interrupting, rather than what I intended – which was conversing.  His behavior astounded me.  It just never occurred to me that I could place so many desirable characteristics on a man just from watching him from a distance.  The same held true in my teens.  I knew for a fact that someone as adorable as Tom, Rock, Cary or Pierce also had to be intelligent, funny, romantic, a spoiler of women, loyal, loving and a very good listener.
So now, when I list my desirable preferences on my dating profile, I limit them to those five qualities I MUST have, rather than the list of 100 things I’d like to have.
1. Divorced.
2. Taller than me (I admit, this one is superficial)
3. Healthy (as in healthy lifestyle – no smoking, no excessive drinking, no excessive junk-food intake, regular exercise, no drugs, etc.)
4. Intelligent (not to mean that he holds a plethora of various degrees, but that he can think deeply, reflectively, on a variety of subjects)
5. Same religion – I find it makes life together less complicated.
Alternatively, when I read someone else’s “desired qualities” and I see the list of 100, I realize that he is looking for a dream.  I know that we all are, and at 25 that was our right.  However, at this age, dreaming in a more realistic way might result in a longer lasting, more fulfilling happiness.  I’m going to try it.  I’ll let you know!